Destroy The Odds

Casinos can often start to feel a little surreal. The flashing lights, the freely available alcohol, and the strange host of characters all help to make most casinos feel more like a dream than reality. But we don’t see this as a bad thing; in fact, we think one of the most enjoyable parts of hitting the casinos is watching all of the people that, really, you don’t see anywhere else in the world. That’s why we’ve put together this list for all of the inexperience gamblers out there. Next time you’re sitting at a slot machine or rolling at the craps table, just look around now and then and see how many of these people you can spot. We promise it’s a lot of fun.

The Sexy Bartender

The sexy bartender is a classic, not just in Vegas, but all over the world. Casinos are simply the best places to find them. Because there are so many bars in Vegas, and since the city relies so much on sex, all of the hottest bartenders across the country seem to migrate to Sin City. Shouldn’t be surprising though, since Vegas is all about the things you want but can’t have.

Vegas Newlyweds

The sounds, lights, and commotion of Las Vegas may not seem romantic to most people but, as always, there are those who disagree. To some people, nothing sounds better than forging a life-long romantic commitment in the one city on Earth that makes it easiest to ignore your commitments. These people are fantastic company though, if you can find them. They’re usually a ton of fun, and if they’re blissful enough they sometimes buy drinks. Try to cash in.

The Man-Stripper

Finding a man-stripper in the casino is a bit like spotting a unicorn in the forest. At first you just see an ordinary horse/stripper. It’s over by the stream/bar taking a drink with his head hung low. Then, suddenly, as he stands up you can actually notice a strange bulge on his head/in his lap. At this point you’re so struck by the awe of your discovery that you just keep on staring, even as he walks by and glares at you. Only once someone actually points out the phenomenon are you able to step back and appreciate what you’ve just witnessed. Don’t worry, it happens to everybody.

Drunk Elvis Impersonator

Elvis impersonators have the best life in the world. They get up every morning just to pretend that the king of Rock & Roll didn’t actually die on his toilet, and is willing to get a drink with every single stranger on the boardwalk. Sure everybody laughs at them, and they don’t make very much money, and chicks don’t dig it, but they get to drink all day long with strangers. What’s less sad than that?

The Super-Rich Foreign Owner

Nobody makes more money in a casino than the house. Those are just the rules. And as the money rises up from the floor, it eventually lands right in the lap of the casino’s owner . . . Mr. Chen in Bangkok. Everything is foreign-owned these days, and most casinos are not exceptions. If you happen to notice an elderly foreign man being escorted across the casino floor by hordes of security, chances are you’re checking out the owner. Either that or some old man who forgot his meds and peed on the buffet table. Security tends to overreact to that.

The Golddiggers

A good golddigger can smell money the way a rodent can smell fresh bread crumbs. So just like it makes sense that rodents would hole up in the pantry, it also makes sense that golddiggers would start to congregate in the casinos. Everywhere you look people who don’t know how to spend money are earning lots of it. And the golddiggers are always ready to offer a hand.

The Overly Friendly Dealer

Losing a lot of money in a casino is always depressing. This depression, however, is compounded by several degrees by the introduction of the constantly chipper, over-friendly, overly-talkative dealer. This blight on the casino floor has been pissing off losers since the beginning of gambling, assuring you constantly that everything will turn around, and that even if it doesn’t at least you had a good time. People this cheerful should work exclusively with children. That way they’re only pissing off children.

The Lounge Lizard

It can get stressful singing in front of a group of people every day as a living. . . especially when you sound like most lounge singers. So it’s really no wonder that these guys, like everybody else, sometimes need to get into the casinos, get drunk, and lose a little money while forgetting the day. If you’ve seen him perform before, go up and sarcastically tell him how great he was. They love that.

The Obnoxious Drunk Guy

After a long day of hanging hard with the Elvis impersonators, this guy likes nothing more than to perform. . . publicly. The obnoxious drunk guy has a long tradition of finding the most heavily occupied room in the area, telling everyone in this room everything that he thinks about everything, and then vomiting all over himself and, generally, the best looking girl in the room. Tradition is a beautiful thing.

The Crappy Magician

Magicians are everywhere in Las Vegas. As one of the last places on Earth to actually tolerate magicians, the city attracts all of the best, and worse, magical talent in the country. If you’re lucky enough to meet a crappy magician in a casino, immediately ask him to perform a trick. Keep insisting if he acts modest. This will eventually push the magician to the point where he either does a trick for you, or starts ranting at you about his free time and privacy. Either way it’s free and it’s funny. God bless magicians.